view of the increasing array of unjustifiable liability awards
that have been granted through judicial stupidity, we doubt
that God could have ever created the universe without getting
sued for heaven and earth if he tried to go into business
in today's legal climate.
would read something like this:
"Let there be light!"
Universal Creation Corporation Legal Staffer: "Uh,
I wouldn't do that, God, because that stuff causes sunburn,
intense radiation, and possibly cancer."
"Oh, well, let there be light, and dark. Is that
UCC Legal Staffer: "Not without a product warning
label, a complete set of documented instructions, proper research
and experimentation, antidote, and legal disclaimers to protect
against improper use. Suppose somebody turned on the dark
in the middle of the day? Have you ever heard of the term
"Jus eclipsica? Just what the (uncreated expletive
deleted) is that?"
UCC Legal Staffer: "Well, it's a rare phenomenon
that occurred once in another universe when a planet went
wild and blocked the light from the sun. It put dark right
in the middle of the day and everything went haywire. Natives
got restless and thought the world was ending. It messed up
a bunch of trade routes, and resulted in the extermination
of thousands of dinosaurs. There was a huge lawsuit over that
UCC Legal Staffer: "Well, God lost that one. You
know what people do when it gets dark."
"OK, lets table the light and dark. I think I'll
create firmament and water."
UCC Legal Staffer: "That's not a half bad idea. But
you'll have to make the firmament smooth enough so that nobody
will trip over it, and rough enough so that nobody will slip
on it, and wet mop it every day for cleanliness, and keep
it dry at all times to prevent accidents."
"If only you'd let me create some light, people could
see where they were going and we wouldn't need to do all of
UCC Legal Staffer: "Another thing... you better take
your idea over to Engineering for approval. You don't get
that firmament stress-tested properly, and wham, you've got
earthquakes all over the place. You know what earthquake insurance
costs these days?"
"No, but a fella's gotta take risks now and then.
No pain, no gain, No guts, no glory. That kind of stuff."
UCC Legal Staffer: "Do what you want, but I told
you, from a legal standpoint, light is out and you better
get a written opinion from our Engineering Department, or
you're setting yourself up for an eternity of trouble."
"Is there anything wrong with water?"
UCC Legal Staffer: "Nothing, as long as you keep
an ingredients list posted at the point of use, with a duplicate
set in your office file, and a triplicate set in your safe
deposit box, as well as a complete potential hazards-of-use
list in all three places, and make your employees aware of
each hazard in advance of use."
"What could possibly be wrong with water? All it
does is grow fish and dilute Scotch. Boy, this creation business
is sure tough. I'm about ready to get into another line of
UCC Legal Staffer: "Yeah, and what happens when some
dummy gets your water too cold and it turns to ice and snow?
You could be responsible for avalanches, you know. The manufacturer
is always responsible. You start an avalanche and your Dad
is not going to be happy about next year's insurance premiums.
And the Holy Ghost won't be too thrilled, either. He's a big
stockholder in this outfit, remember?"
"You're right. I'll create a big wall to keep my
firmament away from my water. I think I'll have it run across
China and then through Berlin."
UCC Legal Staffer: "Now you're on the right track.
Where is China? Maybe we oughta fly this by Geologic Research
and Development first, though, just to be sure."
"Oh, just forget it. I'm going to take my chances.
Those clowns in GR&D are always overstepping their bounds.
I wanted coal in the mid-east, and those idiots insisted on
putting oil there. In the ground of all places. I told them
it should grow on trees, but did they listen?"
UCC Legal Staffer: "Well, there was a reason for
that. You put oil on trees, and someone is liable to eat it
and become ill. They're only trying to do what's best for
the corporation. Listen, I'll allow the firmament and the
water if you're careful about the rest of the stuff on this
"You mean my fire, lightning and brimstone? Come
on, I've gotta have a little fun out of this job. I'm going
to put fire underneath the firmament, lightning in the sky,
and I'm gonna save the brimstone for later."
UCC Legal Staffer: "There you go again, creating
something without checking. Suppose the fire melts the firmament
and it all spurts up and runs all over some Hawaiian village?
That's a severe tort known in the legal profession as 'summa
cum magma; and if you're convicted of that they'd have to
mail you sunlight for seven eons before you were eligible
for parole. And you haven't even created sunlight yet."
"Look, you legal leach, this is my universe, and
I'm gonna create it the way I want it. Why don't you just
take a hike?"
UCC Legal Staffer: "In the face of your continual
lack of confidence in my counsel, I'm afraid I must submit
my resignation, and seek employment elsewhere."
"Lucifer, why are you so obstinate? I've always trusted
your opinion, but sometimes you don't cut me any slack. Like
when I wanted to create all kind of animals except those slimy
things without any legs, and you said it was discrimination.
Never did trust snakes, and now we got them all over my firmament
except that one little island called Ireland. Maybe you're
right, Lucifer. Maybe you should find another job. But where
do you think you could possibly get one?"
UCC Legal Staffer: "I've already been offered a good
position with the legal firm of Mephistopheles, Satan, and
Beelzebub. They're going to make me a full partner."
"Isn't that the outfit I see on TV where the guy
with the patch on his eye is saying, 'If you have suffered
any kind of injury, you may be entitled to magnanimous
compensation until the end of time. Your first visit is free.
And if we don't win your case, you owe nothing.'?"
UCC Legal Staffer: "Yeah, that's them. They got a
super Public Relations Department, too, don't they!"
point of this story is that this week the State Legislature
is debating two bills, H-1892 and S-536, that will help to
limit the rampant judicial irresponsibility in many liability
suits, without taking away your right to legitimate damages.
The only ones against these bills are the fork-tongued ambulance
chasers who make their living off the misfortune of others.
"I think I'll create Common Sense."
Former UCC Legal Staffer: "You do, and we'll lobby
it to death in the legislature!"
"Go ahead and try it, Buster. What do you think I've
been saving the brimstone for..."