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Disposable Diapers

We're taking a poll. How many of you are fed up to your nose with cutesy disposable diaper commercials? You know, the 4 year old baby dancing around showing grandma how dry he is and kissing his soggy cousin who doesn't wear 'em?

As far as we're concerned, disposable diapers belong in that category of things that should have never been invented.. like disposable beer cans and plastic shotgun shell casings.

Disposed-of diapers are sinister things. They attack when you least expect it.

As I was walking down Main Street Monday morning, one of the abominable things jumped out of the gutter and wrapped itself around my leg.

A few weeks back, as I was driving home on River Road, one of the grotesquely messy monsters jumped right out of a passing car and splattered itself upon my windshield.

I have seen them gather in great conventions to attack and kill huge plumbing systems with the precision of drying concrete.

They have been known to cause the death of septic tanks years before their time. They accumulate on public picnic tables, and in corners of department store dressing rooms.

Unleashed upon the world about 20 years ago, disposable diapers were little more than a half dozen layers of Kleenex tissue inside some butcher paper.

At that time, they were relatively harmless, relatively expensive, and relatively few people bothered with them. But they were also relatively convenient.

They were convenient even though they tore easily, and had old fashioned safety pins for fasteners. They filled up quickly and they leaked alot. They also smelled as bad as the cloth ones they were replacing.

Still, any talented mother of a 6 month old could stuff 40 of the insolent things in a grocery sack and take a weekend trip without ever worrying about getting lost.

All she had to do was toss one out the car window every 15 minutes and then follow the odiferous trail of dumpy disposables back down the highway to where she came from.

Today, there is a veritable plethora of disposables to choose from.

They come in high fashion designs, made of synthetic materials that will last forever in a gutter, and gag a prowling possum.

Some of 'em come complete with enough perfume and deodorant to camouflage their real contents for a month.

They hold enough whizwater to pollute several olympic size swimming pools, and an organic gardner could raise an entire potato crop in less than half a dozen of the nasty things.

They aren't just "Disposable Diapers" anymore, either. They have all kinds of mushy-sweet names designed to make mothers think they are doing baby a favor by trapping him in a space age hinie-binder that won't let anybody know he needs changing for a week.

Quickly coming to memory are form-fitting Huggies with refastenable tapes and elastic legs.

I question those claims. In the first place, anyone who needs their bottom covered by anything form fitting is too old to be wearing diapers to begin with.

"One size fits all," would be a better claim.

"Refastenable tapes" ?? Why, I wonder, would anyone want to refasten a wet, stinky, blitzed disposable diaper? Besides, I think jabbing the little darlings with a safety pin now and then encourages the swift completion of potty training.

It's a classic example of wasted technology; Putting reusable tape on diapers that can't be reused. Unless you're really a tightwad and run the "just wet" ones through your dryer.

There is another brand called "Super Drys" that have "Change Me" blocks on the bottom. Yes, Blocks. Like you played with in kindergarten. Printed on the bottom. The idea is that when they get wet, the blocks disappear.

So the kid can stick his head between his legs and check the blocks. If they aren't there he can tell mom it's time for a new didie.

I'm sure the blocks are for the kid to check. If they were for the mother, they would have just printed "Dry" on the bottom.

Mothers are supposed to know the difference between "Wet", and "Dry". Most mothers I know can tell the difference right off, just by picking a kid up; but for some, you probably have to spell it out.

Then there are Pampers with "Stay-Dry Gathers." They have double elastic.

If the Huggies don't turn your kids legs blue enough, try these. They're tight enough to strangle a moose, but they don't leak.

They balloon-out after awhile, but they don't leak. The idea is to get the kid to the sitter's place before the balloon explodes. Then it ain't your problem anymore.

These exquisite examples of hi-tech engineering have "One-Step" refastenable tapes. They stay fastened for one step, then you refasten them.

Another popular brand is "Luvs." They are really Pampers in disguise. You can tell by the "One Step" refastenable tapes. But they're thicker and more absorbent

So if it's a long way to the sitters house, use Luvs.

A rash upon the makers of these dastardly didies! The manufacturers should be dipped in baby doo for thinking that American adults, who haven't gotten the hang of it with tin cans yet, would be smart enough to properly dispose of disposable can wrappers.

There should be a premium deposit charged for each one sold. It should go to pay the cost of dedidieizing the highways and byways of America. And especially Main Street in Newkirk, America.

Oh, I almost forgot about the poll. Here's how you vote: Carefully gather up the next used diaper you find in the street, safety pin a note in the corner of it with your opinion on the matter, and mail it either to a congressman or a manufacturer. The message will leak out, no matter what brand you use.




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