We're taking a poll. How many of you are fed up to your nose with
cutesy disposable diaper commercials? You know, the 4 year old baby
dancing around showing grandma how dry he is and kissing his soggy
cousin who doesn't wear 'em?
far as we're concerned, disposable diapers belong in that category
of things that should have never been invented.. like disposable
beer cans and plastic shotgun shell casings.
diapers are sinister things. They attack when you least expect it.
I was walking down Main Street Monday morning, one of the abominable
things jumped out of the gutter and wrapped itself around my leg.
few weeks back, as I was driving home on River Road, one of the
grotesquely messy monsters jumped right out of a passing car and
splattered itself upon my windshield.
have seen them gather in great conventions to attack and kill huge
plumbing systems with the precision of drying concrete.
have been known to cause the death of septic tanks years before
their time. They accumulate on public picnic tables, and in corners
of department store dressing rooms.
upon the world about 20 years ago, disposable diapers were little
more than a half dozen layers of Kleenex tissue inside some butcher
that time, they were relatively harmless, relatively expensive,
and relatively few people bothered with them. But they were also
were convenient even though they tore easily, and had old fashioned
safety pins for fasteners. They filled up quickly and they leaked
alot. They also smelled as bad as the cloth ones they were replacing.
any talented mother of a 6 month old could stuff 40 of the insolent
things in a grocery sack and take a weekend trip without ever worrying
about getting lost.
she had to do was toss one out the car window every 15 minutes and
then follow the odiferous trail of dumpy disposables back down the
highway to where she came from.
there is a veritable plethora of disposables to choose from.
come in high fashion designs, made of synthetic materials that will
last forever in a gutter, and gag a prowling possum.
of 'em come complete with enough perfume and deodorant to camouflage
their real contents for a month.
hold enough whizwater to pollute several olympic size swimming pools,
and an organic gardner could raise an entire potato crop in less
than half a dozen of the nasty things.
aren't just "Disposable Diapers" anymore, either. They
have all kinds of mushy-sweet names designed to make mothers think
they are doing baby a favor by trapping him in a space age hinie-binder
that won't let anybody know he needs changing for a week.
coming to memory are form-fitting Huggies with refastenable tapes
and elastic legs.
question those claims. In the first place, anyone who needs their
bottom covered by anything form fitting is too old to be wearing
diapers to begin with.
size fits all," would be a better claim.
tapes" ?? Why, I wonder, would anyone want to refasten a wet,
stinky, blitzed disposable diaper? Besides, I think jabbing the
little darlings with a safety pin now and then encourages the swift
completion of potty training.
a classic example of wasted technology; Putting reusable tape on
diapers that can't be reused. Unless you're really a tightwad and
run the "just wet" ones through your dryer.
is another brand called "Super Drys" that have "Change
Me" blocks on the bottom. Yes, Blocks. Like you played with
in kindergarten. Printed on the bottom. The idea is that when they
get wet, the blocks disappear.
the kid can stick his head between his legs and check the blocks.
If they aren't there he can tell mom it's time for a new didie.
sure the blocks are for the kid to check. If they were for the mother,
they would have just printed "Dry" on the bottom.
are supposed to know the difference between "Wet", and
"Dry". Most mothers I know can tell the difference right
off, just by picking a kid up; but for some, you probably have to
spell it out.
there are Pampers with "Stay-Dry Gathers." They have double
the Huggies don't turn your kids legs blue enough, try these. They're
tight enough to strangle a moose, but they don't leak.
balloon-out after awhile, but they don't leak. The idea is to get
the kid to the sitter's place before the balloon explodes. Then
it ain't your problem anymore.
exquisite examples of hi-tech engineering have "One-Step"
refastenable tapes. They stay fastened for one step, then you refasten
popular brand is "Luvs." They are really Pampers in disguise.
You can tell by the "One Step" refastenable tapes. But
they're thicker and more absorbent
if it's a long way to the sitters house, use Luvs.
rash upon the makers of these dastardly didies! The manufacturers
should be dipped in baby doo for thinking that American adults,
who haven't gotten the hang of it with tin cans yet, would be smart
enough to properly dispose of disposable can wrappers.
should be a premium deposit charged for each one sold. It should
go to pay the cost of dedidieizing the highways and byways of America.
And especially Main Street in Newkirk, America.
I almost forgot about the poll. Here's how you vote: Carefully gather
up the next used diaper you find in the street, safety pin a note
in the corner of it with your opinion on the matter, and mail it
either to a congressman or a manufacturer. The message will leak
out, no matter what brand you use.